Fear and its Nasty Grip

So, it has been four months (probably closer to five) since I sat at this computer and attempted to write anything. I have tried several times. Oh, how I tried. But I couldn’t even get as far as opening up a blank document to write.

There was always excuses. Mostly, that I am too tired, or too busy. There were major changes that occurred in my household (more about that at a later date). And of course, there are the holidays we just finished up. But, they were all just excuses. Excuses to help me avoid the fear of writing I have been experiencing since my last post. Fear that I have tried so hard to overcome. Fear that said “you are not good enough.” Fear that has spoken to me in the depths of the night, in the middle of the day, while driving, while continuing on with the other parts of my life and has been a loud voice saying “what made you think you could really do this? Did you really think you could make a difference in this way?” This fear came about due to a rejection I faced. I experienced rejection on this journey. And it has caused me to live in a state of fear when it comes to writing.

No, the rejection is not from Heart baby. Actually, things have been going well with her. Her mental health has been stable for the most part since Sept (with one little glitch), and we made it through the holidays with no hospitalizations (major milestone there!!!)

The rejection came from others. As some know, I attended a writer’s conference the end of July. I was very excited, because I knew I was doing what God had called me to do. I had appointments with actual publishers. I was so excited and didn’t expect anything else but to walk away from this conference on the path to getting my book published (I didn’t necessarily expect a book deal, but expected more that what I got). And then rejection hit. Not once, but twice. I was rejected by two different publishers. I was told that there was no market for my type of book. It hit me hard. And actually, I didn’t realize how hard it truly hit until about a month ago.

Slowly but surely, I have begun to realize what this fear and the rejection have done to me. I have realized how much time I have lost that I could have been writing. Time that I could have been working on the website. Time lost.

God has been so patient with me during this time that I have been letting fear run the book and website part of my life. I often ask how much longer is he willing to be patient with me? And I wonder why he has been so patient with me. I also wonder why this rejection was allowed to happen. I mean, God has called me to this book, why would rejection happen on the journey with the book?

So, I have come to the point where I am ready to leave this fear in the past and continue on with what God has called me to do. This post is the beginning of that.

Prayers are always appreciated for Heart Baby. I have been so thankful she has been stable for so long. But I know that can change at any moment.

And as mentioned earlier, I have had changes in my household. I have welcomed a child into my home. Yes, it’s been an adjustment and continues to be so. I am unsure how long this child will be in my home, but I can say the child has already been good for me. I have learned so much and has even helped me be more understanding of my heart baby and struggles she faced early on in her life.

So, if you are willing to continue on with me through this journey, I am willing to overcome this fear and get back to writing. Thanks for being patient with me.